


on the surface above the heartbreak

by hotchrocket



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Bisexual Spencer Reid, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:27:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27772255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hotchrocket/pseuds/hotchrocket
Summary: Spencer is working on his first PhD when he can’t take it anymore.They’re sixteen, sitting in Ethan’s dorm, studying for their Organic Chemistry final. No matter how many times this proves to be a terrible idea, or how many times they end up bickering for five hours instead of absorbing information, the two boys can’t help but be drawn together.It’s almost involuntary.
Relationships: Ethan/Spencer Reid
Comments: 10
Kudos: 109





	on the surface above the heartbreak

He and Ethan meet when they’re both six years old, and in the sixth grade.

Spencer _hates _him.__

__Factually speaking, Ethan is smarter than him. Spencer knows this, and Ethan sure does not let him forget it. Those _two little _points higher on his IQ mean nothing to most people, but for Ethan and Spencer, it means they are pitted against each other, constantly competing to be the best.___ _

____They are put in every class together; the administration thinks it's best for the only two young children to stick together in a building filled with angry, pubescent pre-teens. This is not the right idea._ _ _ _

____For the rest of junior high, Ethan and Spencer’s rivalry only grows, to the point of recognition. The kids in their eighth grade class place bets on who’ll cure cancer first. Twenty dollars says it’s Spencer._ _ _ _

____One thing Spencer does not understand is why he wants to hold Ethan’s hand, rather than argue with him. He doesn’t understand why his eyes look so pretty, or why he could sit and listen to him rant for hours, and hours, and hours…_ _ _ _

____It only makes Spencer want to “defeat” him even more. He decides to hate Ethan’s stupid twinkling eyes, and can’t bare the sound of his arrogant ramblings._ _ _ _

____It’s when they’re twelve, graduating from high school, that Spencer recognizes his hatred for attraction. He pushes it down, compresses it into a tiny box, and shoves it back in his mind for a later date._ _ _ _

____He tries not to think about how it makes him feel when Ethan laughs at his nerdy jokes, even when they’re not funny. He doesn’t think about how Ethan calls him Crash, because only he knows the real reason he’s always “falling down,” and knows how upset his mother would be if she knew the truth. And Spencer certainly does _not _think about how happy he is that Ethan will be joining him at Caltech in the fall.___ _ _ _

______At Caltech, they find themselves working as closely as they did back in Vegas. Spencer masks his excitement with disdain, pretending that he would rather be anywhere in the world. Ethan does the same._ _ _ _ _ _

______Spencer is working on his first PhD when he can’t take it anymore. They’re sixteen, sitting in Ethan’s dorm, studying for their Organic Chemistry final. No matter how many times this proves to be a terrible idea, or how many times they end up bickering for five hours instead of absorbing information, the two boys can’t help but be drawn together. It’s almost involuntary._ _ _ _ _ _

______They’re having an _insane _argument over one of the professor’s lectures. Ethan knows Spencer is right, he has an eidetic memory after all, but he swears that the notes he took say differently. Spencer is aware that Ethan knows he’s in the wrong, but they _have _to fight._____ _ _ _ _ _

__________They have to fight because when they’re not fighting, there’s a tension in the air. They’re sitting closer, they’re listening intently to what the other has to say, they’re looking into each other’s eyes…._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________But tonight Spencer can’t keep fighting. He can’t get another noise complaint from the RA. It’s time to unpack the little box occupying the back of his mind._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“...Do you think I’m an IDIOT? You think I’m an idiot! You--”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Spencer practically lunges forward, connecting their lips and shutting him up. And now he’s kissing Ethan, and now Ethan is kissing him back, and now everything in the world starts to make sense._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________They don’t start dating right away. They use the excuse of their rigorous courses, when in reality they are afraid. They’re afraid that if it starts, it’ll have to end. They’re afraid that they truly are rivals, and a romantic relationship will end in nothing but heartbreak and despair._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________But that doesn’t mean that Spencer doesn’t sometimes wake up in Ethan’s tiny twin bed, with his head over his heart. It doesn’t mean that Spencer doesn’t feel a small sense of pride when he sees Ethan the next day wearing an unusually placed scarf around his neck._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Finally, when they’re both nineteen, and have a few failed relationships under their belts, Spencer and Ethan decide to give it a go._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Spencer is back in Ethan’s dorm after a long day of exams. Ethan walks closer to him, placing his hands gently on Spencer’s hips._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I think it’s time we admit the truth to each other,” Ethan whispers, “we both deserve it.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Yeah,” Spencer chuckles, wrapping his arms behind Ethan’s neck, “we do. We should.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Things are good for a while. They were each other’s first _everything _, so they’re comfortable almost instantly. They live together in an apartment off campus when they’re twenty, and Spencer attends a lecture on Criminal Profiling by famed FBI agent Jason Gideon.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Hey, Crash,” Ethan mumbles against Spencer’s lips, pulling him inside._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Wow- Uh, w-what did I do to deserve such a greeting?” Spencer breathes as Ethan nips at his neck.  
“Nothin’ special. I just love you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“I love you too, E.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“How was that lecture you went to?” Ethan inquires, pulling away._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Spencer just laughs._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“It was great, but not exactly what I want to talk about anymore…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________With that he tugs at Ethan’s shirt, pushing him down onto their bed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________In the morning, over coffee, he excitedly tells Ethan all about SSA Gideon’s lecture._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“E, it was _incredible! _Like nothing I’ve ever attended before. The man practically invented profiling, he coined the name! I never thought I would be interested in the psychology of such horrible, twisted minds, but profiling is an artform! SSA Gideon is giving another lecture tonight, I want to take you!”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Wow,” Ethan giggles at Spencer’s hyper rambling. “You sure you’re not just gonna recite the whole thing for me right now?” he jokes._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Spencer rolls his eyes, teasingly punching Ethan's arm._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“No, that’s how much I think you’ll like it! So will you come?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Ethan looks up into his hazel eyes sincerely._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Of course I’ll come, Crash. Anything that’s got you that excited has gotta be good.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Great!” Spencer plants a kiss on Ethan’s cheek. “I’ll even buy you dinner after, just because you’re you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Spencer is right. The lecture is amazing. And Agent Gideon is even more impressive. Spencer and Ethan talk to the man after his lecture, and they have an informative discussion on FBI programs and branches and how to get started at the Bureau._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________But it’s not what Ethan wants._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Since he was five years old, and heard his grandmother’s Duke Ellington records, Ethan knew that music was his true passion. Over the years, he had fallen in love with many different genres of music, always making CD mixes for Spencer to listen to, and never did his work without a tune playing in the background. But it was jazz specifically that started his love of music. He could play the piano, the saxophone, or even the trumpet. He just wanted to leave academia behind, and explore his creative side._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________But he couldn’t. He couldn’t put his gifts to waste, when there are people he can help with his talents. His father made the tough decision to let him advance in school so quickly, to send his son off at the age of twelve, his only family, all for Ethan. He couldn’t just disregard that._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________And he couldn’t leave Spencer. He and Spencer had seen it all together. Their rivalry had finally melted away, and they were in such a good place._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________So Ethan did what anyone in his position would do. He drank. He wasn’t violent, or mean, or angry. He just needed to stay on course. He would go through 20 weeks of FBI training with the love of his life, they would move to D.C., and their futures were bright and rewarding._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________When they start at the Academy, they’re twenty-one. Spencer and Ethan are in a hotel for the time being, figuring out what they’ll do after the first few weeks._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________When they return from their first day, Ethan is miserable. Spencer is beaming. This is his dream. As much as Ethan loves to see Spencer so happy, he’s afraid he’ll drown himself in alcohol if this continues any longer. When they open the hotel room door, Ethan swiftly shuts and locks it, pushing Spencer up against it. He needs to turn his brain off, even just for the night. Clothes are torn off, shoes kicked at the foot of the bed, and the night ends the way it always does, with Spencer resting peacefully on Ethan’s chest. When Ethan finally closes his eyes, faint tears roll down his cheeks as he kisses Spencer’s head softly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Spencer wakes up at 5am, alone. The bed is cold. Freezing. When he turns, he doesn’t expect to see a note on Ethan’s pillow._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________

_Crash, baby. You’re the most important person in the world to me. You’re the smartest man I’ve ever known, and I can’t hold you back anymore than I already have. I’ve been dragging myself through life, and I won’t survive much longer if I stay. You deserve this. You’ll be the best damn agent the Bureau has ever seen.  
I’ve gone to New Orleans. Please give me a call. I’m sure I’ve already left you a hundred voicemails by now. I hope one day you’ll forgive me for this. Please, Crash, one day. I love you too much for this to be goodbye. Please understand that I have to do this. ___

__

___E. ____ _

___ _

___ _

________________The note is illegible when Spencer is done reading it. His tears have completely smudged the ink. He crumples it up, throwing it across the room._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________He has thirty minutes to cry. Thirty minutes to grieve his relationship with Ethan, contemplate calling him forty times, smash a few mini liquor bottles, get dressed, and head to the Academy for his second day. Thirty minutes is all he gives himself.  
For twenty weeks, he takes all of his sadness, anger, and regret out on his exams, both physical and academic. It’s the only thing he can do to keep himself sane._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Spencer is twenty-five, nearing his third successful year in the Behavioral Analysis Unit of the FBI. He’s been with two or three men and women since Ethan, and considers himself completely “over it”. He’s published dozens of papers, given guest lectures, worked alongside Jason Gideon. He’s living his dream._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Until they have a case in Georgia, and his entire life is turned upside down._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Tobias Hankel threw everything off course for Spencer. He wasn’t supposed to be kidnapped and beaten for over twenty four hours. He wasn’t supposed to get hooked on narcotics. It was never a part of his plan to crawl around his apartment, searching for any spare cash he could find, just to walk down the block and exchange it for clear liquid in a tiny vial. He knows it’s not dilaudid anymore. Dilaudid isn’t enough anymore. Heroin is._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________He’s trying to reduce his intake, as hard as it is to do alone. He’s already relapsed more than once._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________JJ presents them with a ripper case in New Orleans. His head whips up at the mention of the city._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________He blames it on the drugs. He’s dialing Ethan’s number and hoping he’ll pick up as they’re waiting to board the jet._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Spencer?” a familiar voice asks, shocked that the man called. They had only talked once since Ethan left the FBI Academy._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Yeah, it’s me. We’re actually headed down to New Orleans for a case,” Spencer had a hard time forming the words, “and I wanted to see if you, uh, maybe wanted to get a drink? Catch up?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Ethan knew something was up when Spencer called. He sounded off, like he was confused or tired. It didn’t take a genius to know he needed help._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Seeing Ethan again shouldn’t be so hard. They’re adults now! Twenty-five year old adults with careers. Life has changed, they’ve moved on._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Geez! Reid, you scared me.” Ethan looks the grinning man up and down._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“I’ve always been one step ahead of you, man,” Spencer smiles._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Yeah, whatever helps you sleep at night.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Spencer’s eyes trail over Ethan’s body, focusing especially on his longer hair and beard. It suited him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________If they’ve moved on, then why is Spencer sitting _so close _to Ethan at the bar? Why does Ethan lean in every time Spencer begins to speak?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __

________________If they’ve moved on, why is Ethan focusing on Spencer like he’s the only person in the room? If they’re so grown up, why does Spencer give Ethan _that look _, a look reserved only for him, a look he hasn’t seen in nearly five years? Why does Spencer tuck Ethan’s wild hair back behind his ear? Why does Ethan invite Spencer back to his apartment? Why does Spencer decline five of Emily and Morgan’s calls? Why does he forget about the clinking vials at the bottom of his bag?___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________They forgot how well they fit together. How Spencer didn’t even need to tell Ethan about his addiction. How words aren’t necessary for them. How well Ethan knows Spencer’s body, and how well Spencer knows his. How perfectly Spencer fits on Ethan’s chest, after the events of the night._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________Spencer is tracing circles over Ethan’s bare chest when he speaks up._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“Crash...” he starts. Spencer smiles at the nickname, but his smile slowly fades when he notices Ethan is looking at the crook of his arm._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“I know,” Spencer blinks away a tear. “I can’t ignore it any longer.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“There are people who care about you,” Ethan exhales. “I care about you, man.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“Then why did you leave?” It comes out harsher than Spencer intends, but Ethan doesn’t take any offense. He knows he doesn’t mean it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________Ethan takes a moment to think about his response, continuing to stroke Spencer’s hair._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“I would have ended things, Crash. With myself.” He averts Spencer’s gaze at that. “I couldn’t do that to you. That’s why Ieft. And that’s why I can’t let you kill yourself with that shit, like I almost did. You don’t deserve it, you deserve help.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________He wraps his arms tighter around Spencer. Spencer hides his face in Ethan’s neck. They’re done talking for the night. They perfectly understand each other._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________Ethan’s almost dozed off, and Spencer is nearly sleeping when he looks up, planting a soft kiss to Ethan’s lips._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“Thank you, E.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________Spencer and Ethan both enjoy dreamless sleep wrapped in each other’s arms, exactly where they knew they’d always end up._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Author's Note:**

> i'm super proud of this! tell me how you like it, i've been working on it the past few nights! thanks for all of the positive feedback on my last work :)


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